Tantric sex and couples
Can tantra massage or tantric sex “fix” a bad relationship?
Unfortunately, I can offer very little hope for couples trying to save a bad relationship by adding stimulation to their sex lives. I only know of one successful tantric couple who started this way, and it worked for them because the core of the problem was true sexual dysfunction, not a lack of love.
However, it’s extremely rare for couples to make that kind of progress, and it depends on a tremendous amount of motivation. If there hadn’t been a lot of genuine love, affection, and commitment to each other, it wouldn’t have been possible. The key in that particular case was her discipline with therapy and meditation. Tantra didn’t fix her marriage.
So, in general, my advice to couples in troubled relationships is to address the root of the problem first. Improving your sex life can certainly help, but don’t expect Tantra to magically restore your romance in a wave of sexual bliss.
Affectionate couples, stale sex
On the other hand, for long-term couples who rarely have sex and who feel as if they’ve fallen into a friends/partners/family-mates relationship, learning Tantra may be exactly what the doctor ordered. Often the problem isn’t that partners have stopped caring about each other, but that they’ve forgotten—or never learned—how to express how much they care, especially in an erotic way, after the initial passion and romance faded. And I don’t know of a better or more convincing way to show how much you love your partner than to give them a long, loving tantric orgasm. It’s almost impossible to do—or do it very well, without being distracted or bored or thinking about what you might get in return—unless you truly care about the other person. Your hands speak true, and your partner can feel your love, care, and devotion with every caress!
Finally, there’s the problematic case of new lovers. They’ve often been together for only a few months, have made it through the initial awkward bedroom stage, are madly in love, are looking for new adventures to embark on together, and Tantra sounds perfect!
If this is you, I certainly don’t want to discourage you—many veteran practitioners started in your position! I just want to warn you about the shift from the adrenaline rush of new love to the sybaritic couple-bonding pleasures of Tantra. Here are some questions every couple needs to consider before beginning to practice or receive Tantra massage, but they are especially important for new couples:
Do you still run breathlessly into the bedroom, tearing each other’s clothes off, and having at it with mad abandon?
Urgent, breathless sex is adrenaline-fueled sex. You have to be clear: Tantra massage or tantric sex is slow sex. It requires patience. If you’re in a hurry, you’re doing it wrong.
Do you or your partner like rough sex?
Because that’s also adrenaline sex. It’s sex for emotions, not sensual pleasure. I’m not saying it’s not fun, but it’s a completely different kind of fun. Tantra is (mostly) gentle sex. It’s true that it can get intensely vigorous, but that’s typically just a tack at the end, after a couple of hours of very slow, pure, sensual euphoria.
Are you worried that sex will get boring if it’s scheduled and predictable?
The need for novelty and spontaneity is another characteristic of a preference for adrenaline-fueled sex, but unless it is really strong, it may not be a serious problem , you can put Tantra in a different mental category from regular sex.
Most of us like a lot of variety in some parts of our lives and a lot of consistency in others, and one or both of you may have to reprogram yourselves to think about this part of your sex life a little differently. Tantra requires significant preparations and a block of time that isn’t easy to achieve without scheduling. Once you’re used to it, and have experienced the pleasures of great tantric sex or intense tantric massages received by a skilled tantric masseuse, scheduling actually becomes an advantage, not a disadvantage, because you’ll find the pleasurable anticipation building for days beforehand.
Do you both like to caress and touch outside of sexual situations?
This may sound like a strange question, but it’s a really good indicator that two people have begun to make the transition from the excitement of being head-over-heels in love to the very different process of building a long-term, loving bond as couples. Touches don’t have to be prolonged to count. But they do matter. Frequent, casual, affectionate, nonsexual contact—unconsciously given and unconsciously received by both partners—is one of the best indicators I know of for a relationship that will last.
Fake orgasms?
Ladies, it’s absolutely essential that you be honest with your man about your needs, or with yourself if you’re going to receive a tantric massage. If there’s something you want done or something you want to do for yourself, say so. If you’ve been faking it, you need to know there’s a problem.
To start, promise yourself that you won’t fake it again, and you will keep your promise. Even if you find yourself frustrated when you lose your way, you need to know what’s working and what isn’t, so you can learn what to do to help yourself. Just as importantly, you need to be able to trust yourself completely.
And if you’re in the vast majority of women—70% or more in most surveys—who rarely or never orgasm during strictly vaginal sex, he needs to know that, and you both need to decide what to do about it. Learning tantric sex or getting tantric massage will almost certainly change this for you, but it may take a while, so it’s best to take more immediate steps to put the sexual experience more in balance for both of you. The essential thing is for both of you to understand that this is, unfortunately, completely normal.
Are you completely comfortable talking about sex?
Do you have a common language for body parts—and sub-parts!—that doesn’t bother or embarrass one or the other of you? Do you know where the frenulum is? The G-spot? The perineum?
Are you completely comfortable being naked in front of your partner? And do you truly trust that your partner is turned on by the sight of your body?
Otherwise, tantric massage will make you feel mercilessly exposed and vulnerable, and you’ll be so anxious about it that you won’t be able to enjoy it. I understand that most of us have less than god- or goddess-like bodies. The question isn’t whether you’d be comfortable being naked in front of a stranger or a coworker. It’s whether you truly believe your partner finds your body attractive.
If your partner struggles with this, redouble your efforts to reassure them that their body is attractive in your eyes. We all have a sense of what is considered attractive to the average person. But the average person doesn’t exist, and every study has shown that men and women are attracted to a wide variety of shapes, sizes, and appearances.
